It’s finally here—college football kickoff day. The one day on the calendar when every American knows their real priorities: beer, wings, and screaming at referees who clearly hate your team. Yet every year, a group of villains tries to ruin it. Not China. Not Iran. Nope—wedding planners. These people sneak onto the schedule like linebackers on a blitz, trapping football fans in rented tuxedos while the rest of the country is watching touchdowns.
Rubio’s Bold Proposal: Make Love Wait, Save Saturdays
Enter Marco Rubio, unlikely hero of the people. During a cabinet meeting, Rubio asked President Trump to sign what could be the greatest executive order of all time: ban weddings on fall Saturdays. Forget inflation or foreign policy—Rubio wants to tackle the real crisis dividing America. “This thing about people getting married on Saturdays during college football season is a scourge,” he said. Amen, Senator. Preach. Finally, someone in Washington understands the pain of missing kickoff because your cousin Chad thought “Gamecocks” was just a funny word and not a national obsession.
Football vs. Family Drama: No Contest
Look, nobody wants to watch two people say vows when they could be watching a quarterback throw bombs. Every fall, fans are stuck whispering “I do” to their ESPN app under the dinner table. Weddings during football season don’t just divide families—they destroy them. Uncle Joe doesn’t show up at Thanksgiving because you scheduled your wedding the same day Texas plays Ohio State. And honestly, who wants to eat dry chicken breast under a white tent when they could be eating nachos in a stadium parking lot?
Trump, Vance, and the Football Test
Trump might be a golf guy, but even he knows the roar of a college football crowd is unmatched. He’s been to the games. He’s heard the chants. He’s seen how it electrifies America. And if you think Rubio is joking, remember this: Vice President JD Vance almost missed his own inauguration because Ohio State was in the national championship. The man had to choose between becoming VP or watching the Buckeyes. If that’s not proof Saturdays belong to football, I don’t know what is. Weddings don’t stand a chance.
The Executive Order We Deserve
Rubio’s proposal might have been tongue-in-cheek, but let’s be honest—this is the only executive order Americans would cheer for across party lines. Trump could sign it tomorrow, and suddenly the whole country would agree on something. Imagine the joy of knowing your fall Saturdays were safe—no vows, no centerpieces, no forced small talk with your second cousin. Just football, beer, and America’s real national religion. Forget “Make America Great Again.” How about “Make Saturdays Football Again”?
So fire up the grill, crack open a cold one, and keep your Saturdays free for the only vows that matter—“I promise to scream at the TV until my team scores.”
And yes, the timing is cosmic punishment—because while I’m telling you to keep Saturdays free for football, I’ll actually be stuck at my brother-in-law’s wedding today. If you see me sneaking score updates under the table during the first dance… mind your business.
See you at kickoff (well, hopefully).
JIMMY
h/t: Steadfast and Loyal
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